


All I Want for Christmas is to Not Be Poisoned By Your Cooking

by eviearie



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Bickering, Gen, christmas (or solstice technically) fic, just pure fluff, platonic dlampr - Freeform, theres 1 swear word, why does no one like logan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:29:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28439163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eviearie/pseuds/eviearie
Summary: It’s the solstice, and the sides are finally getting around to getting in the Christmas spirit. Decorating, baking, gift exchanging, and of course, playful bickering— what more could Janus ask for?
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11
Collections: Sanders Sides 2020 Gift Exchange





	All I Want for Christmas is to Not Be Poisoned By Your Cooking

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is a gift for stormypaint on Tumblr for the 2020 Sanders Sides Gift Exchange! Happy Holidays/New Year to everyone, I hope you enjoy <3

Janus lounged on a chair in the common room, sipping his… soup as the other sides worked around him. Roman was hanging stockings above the fireplace, Logan was putting ornaments on the tree, and Virgil was sitting on top of the couch with a cup of hot cocoa made by Patton, who was in the kitchen with Remus. The outcome of that should prove to be interesting. 

Janus got up off the chair and walked to the kitchen, the sounds of playful bickering and crackling fire lightening the area behind him. He walked into the kitchen, bracing internally for whatever horrible sight he was about to see. 

Surprisingly, it wasn’t actually too bad. 

Patton was kneeling down by the oven, watching whatever abomination was surrounded by the warm yellow light illuminating it. Remus was— well, it looked like he was attempting to stir something in a pot, but it wasn’t going very well. 

“Do you need some help?” Janus asked, raising a brow as he approached Remus, who was covered in chocolate. 

Remus exhaled, “No duh, Snakespeare,” he said. “I’m fudging the fudge!” 

Patton giggled from the oven. Janus looked unimpressed. 

“Don’t give me that,” he said, taking the pot from the other side and vigorously mixing the glossy chocolate in the pot with ease. 

“Damn Jan, those snake arm muscles are buff,” Remus commented as he recovered. 

“Hours in the kitchen with Patton will do that to you, especially when those first batches are always in perfect condition,” Janus said with a glace over at Patton. 

The oven alarm went off with a little tune. “Cookies are ready!” Patton exclaimed, grabbing a pair of oven mitts from the counter and opening the oven. Janus was surprised to find that the smell wafting from it was actually pleasant. 

"Yes!" Remus cheered, skipping over to bask in the presence of those cookies. "Can we eat them now?" 

"They do look good," Janus commented with faux surprise in his voice. Patton gave him the Dad Look™. You know, the one with the oven-mitted hands on hips and the (quote-unquote) disappointment in the eyes. That one. 

“Of course they do, kiddo,” Patton chided. Janus just lifted a cookie off the still-hot tray, biting into the soft warm dough. It’s okay, Remus already had already stuffed several in his mouth. 

Wow. “Not bad.” 

“Whoo! We did it pops! We got props from the second harshest critic here!” Remus exclaimed, holding a hand up to Patton for a high five, which would have been accepted if not for the fact that the latter was still holding the hot pan of cookies. 

“Third,” Janus corrected. “As long as one’s own work counts, Roman goes before me.”

“I heard that!” Came a call from the other room. 

“Hey! Don’t eat all of them!” Patton scolded Remus, holding the pan up to get it out of the other side’s radius and holding back a smile from his face. “They’ve got to be frosted first.”

“Oh, joy,” Janus said while Remus cheered. “This better be a repeat of the Easter fiasco.”

“I think we all learned from that,” Patton said as he set the pan down. 

Janus wasn’t convinced, but he let it slide anyway. Tis the season, right? 

“But first, we should probably clean up,” the moral side continued. 

“Yes, because it looks terrible in here—” Janus started, before Patton nodded behind him. Janus turned around. 

“Oh.” Yep, that was terrible indeed. Remus must have gone full rat mode in the flour, or something. Janus really hoped that was food coloring, too, and not blood. 

“I’m gonna leave you two to that,” Janus said, backing away slowly, “and make sure Virgil doesn’t come in here.”

“Thanks Jan, love ya kiddo!” Patton called before Janus closed the kitchen door with a small sigh. 

“Janus. We need your help,” Roman said with a very serious tone in his voice. 

"What is it?" Janus asked with a sigh. 

"Roman thinks that—" 

"I think that," Roman started, interrupting Logan, “we shouldn’t hang the mistletoe ornament up on the tree, and instead hang it over the doorway.”

“First of all, I’ve already told him this is holly, not mistletoe—”

“It’s what it’s supposed to be!”

“Mistletoe is white!” Logan near screeched. 

“It’s true, mistletoe isn’t white,” Janus added. 

“I’ll just change it then!” Roman exclaimed with an exasperated tone as he waved a hand, the berries on the holly in Logan’s hand changing from a bright red to a hazy white. 

Logan looked satisfied. “Second, it’s an ornament for the tree. It should go on the tree. You can conjure up a real mistletoe if you wanted, although the whole idea of hanging one up for romantic purposes is rather silly.”

Roman harrumphed. “But what’s the point of having it on the tree?”

“There is no point, it’s for decoration. Did you not hear what I just said about the purpose being quite—”

“It’s romantic, Logan!” Roman said with a dramatic flair, spinning around and fake fainting towards Logan. The dark blue side quickly  
caught him with his free arm. 

“Can’t argue with that logic,” Janus commented. 

“I could,” Logan retaliated. 

“Oh my god guys, just hang the damn mistletoe up,” Virgil groaned from the couch. 

"But we haven't resolved-" 

"Roman. Make a new mistletoe. Like this," Virgil said, leaning forward to show a picture of a rounded ball of mistletoe. 

Roman pouted his lips but conjured up something. 

"Great. Now hang it up in the kitchen doorway like you wanted," continued Virgil. 

Roman did so. 

"Now it's resolved," said Virgil, relaxing again. 

"Terrible job Virgil," said Janus. The anxious side just rolled his eyes. 

Soon Patton and Remus came walking out of the kitchen, Remus kicking something from his fingers and Patton dusting off flour from the bottom of his shirt. 

Roman perked up from his place on the couch, where he had sat. "Hah! You two are under the mistletoe!" he exclaimed. 

"Aww, you hung up mistletoe, that's sweet," Patton commented before giving Remus an honorary kiss on the forehead. 

"Is it sweet-?" Logan started. 

"Shut your yap Sherlock," Remus cut in. 

Janus patted Logan's head as the latter crossed his arms. 

"Are the cookies ready?" asked Roman. 

"-And are they intact, not soggy, not burnt, not poisoned, and do they actually taste good?" asked Virgil. 

"Yep!" Patton chimed, walking up and plopping himself down on the floor near the tree. 

Virgil didn't look convinced. 

"Do worry Virgil, I've seen them and they look absolutely horrible," said Janus. Virgil looked horrified only for a split second before understanding, immediately seeming much more relaxed and relieved. 

"Did you follow the recipe I gave you?" Logan asked. 

"We did!" replied Remus, who was draped over the coach next to Virgil. "At least the third time we made them." 

"Trust me, these cookies are gonna be dadlicious," Patton said. 

"That one wasn't even good." 

"I'm not on my b—a—ke game today." 

"Oh god." 

"Either way, these ginger-dad cookies are going to be a gift to us all." 

"Really? Dad again?" 

Patton shrugged, smiling. 

"Speaking of gifts—" Janus started, "I have a question for you all." 

"What's the question?" asked Patton. 

"That is the question," added Virgil. 

"'That' is not a question,” said Logan. “‘That' is a word used most commonly to refer to an object or idea." 

Roman sat up. "Oh, it's not just used to refer to an object! I refer to Remus as 'that' too.” 

(Remus was unfazed, as to be expected). 

“The question,” Janus started, again, “is when you all want to do gift exchanges this year.”

“Let’s do it now!” Patton exclaimed enthusiastically. 

“Patton, it’s December 21st. While I do agree that the solstice is a beautiful thing to celebrate, Christmas isn’t for 4 days.” 

“3 days,” chorused Virgil, Remus, and Roman simultaneously. 

“Don’t question my counting methods.”

“Well, we can do some now, right? We’ve done so much work today, decorating and baking, it would be a fun treat!”

“I can’t argue with that,” said Janus. 

Judging from the lack of bickering, it didn’t seem like anyone else could either. 

"Yay!" Patton exclaimed. "Let's do our secret Santa gifts. I'll go first!" 

The group had decided to do a secret gift exchange between all of them that year-- but some sides (Patton especially) wanted to give gifts to everyone anyways. So there would be more gifts coming on Christmas day. 

"I had Logan," said Patton, passing a gift to the logical side, "so I got him a book!" 

"A book, how practical of you-" Logan started, although he cut off as soon as he saw what book it was." 

"A book of dad jokes!" Patton said, beaming. 

Logan sighed to himself as he opened the book up. "An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are staying in a hotel. The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. They go out into the hallway and see a fire, so they fill a trash can from his room with water and douse the fire. They go back to bed. Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. They walk down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etcetera, they extinguish the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed." 

"Why did you pick the longest joke you could find?" Virgil complained. 

"I'm just hearing a bunch of math words," said Remus. 

"Later," Logan continues without a glance up, "the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. They go into the hall, see the fire, and the fire hose. They think for a moment, then exclaim, 'Ah, a solution exists!'. Then they go back to bed." 

Silence. Only silence was in the room. 

"That was actually really funny," said Logan, closing the book. 

"Gimme that," said Remus, stretching over the top of the couch to snatch the book from Logan. 

"Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3s and 5s?" read Remus, who then looked around for a response. 

"I don't know, why?" asked Patton. 

"Because they can't even." 

Virgil snickered at that. From the others came "That was a pretty good joke" and "yeah that makes sense" and another laugh. 

"Oh, there's also a gift card in there for you," added Patton. 

Logan lifted up the Amazon gift card. "Thank you, Patton," he said, before setting his gifts aside. "I had Janus as my giftee." 

"Oh goodie," said Janus. It was unclear even to him if he was being sarcastic or not. (He wasn't). 

"I got you a book as well. Marcus Aurelius," Logan said as Janus opened his gift. 

"Is that the 'breed quails for fighting' guy?" Remus asked excitedly. 

Logan put his hand against his head. "Yes, but he also made many other significant points-" 

"I want to breed quails for fighting." 

"Actually Marcus Aurelius suggested against that—" 

"Thank you, Logan, This will be a great addition to my collection. And that's the truth," said Janus, putting another argument on hold.   
Logan smiled, because yes, it was. 

"Well, I had Virgil," Janus said, glancing over at the anxious side.

"Let's get this over with," said Virgil, reaching for his gift. 

"I got you a new pair of headphones, since your old ones broke-" 

"Sorry about that again," said the twins at the same time. 

"-And I also got you some new eyeshadow. You're welcome." 

"Thank you," said Virgil, just a hint of surprise in his voice as he looked down at his gifts. 

"Et toi?" 

"Uh, I had Roman. Here, take your gift," said Virgil, handing a bag to Roman, who accepted it graciously. "I got you some makeup and slippers. Nothing much." 

"Oh my gosh Virgil I love them!!! They're so on brand!" Roman exclaimed, his voice ringing with life throughout the mindscape. Virgil cringed, but smiled back with a thumbs-up as he recovered. 

“Sadly, I had Remus,” Roman says, although his smile was still prominent as he set his gift to the side. 

“Oooh goodie,” Remus replies with a grin, picking up his own gift. 

“How dare you steal the phrase I just used,” Janus commented. 

“Just open the thing already,” Roman said to Remus. 

Remus did so. “Gasp, a sword! With holographic green and an octopus hilt??”

“I know, it’s great,” Roman started. Janus could hear Virgil whisper “How did he pull that whole thing out of that tiny bag?” to Logan. 

“Thanks bro!” Remus exclaimed. Virgil leaned over from his spot on the couch and held on to the closest side he could find—Janus—in order to avoid Remus’ slashing radius. 

“Okay, take it easy on the sword swinging,” Janus said, putting a careful hand on Remus’ shoulder. 

Remus lowered his sword with an apologetic grin. “And I got you, pops!” he said, looking over at Patton. “Your gift is there. Even though our amazing cooking is a gift in itself!”

“It is,” Patton says whilst picking up his gift, opening the box it was wrapped in. 

The moral side peered into the box. “Oh my gosh!!” he squealed. 

“It’s a puppy!” Remus exclaimed. 

“Oh no,” Logan, Virgil, and Janus said simultaneously. 

The dark grey and curly-furred puppy looked up at Patton with adorable eyes, and Patton started it down with adoration. “I. Love. You.” 

“I love you too Pat,” said Remus. 

“I think he was talking to the puppy,” Roman cut in, although he was also looking adoringly at the small dog. 

“Yes. But I also love you, Remus!” Patton said, beaming as the dog jumped into his arms. 

“Well, that was enjoyable,” Janus commented as Logan tried to talk Patton out of whatever adorable thing he was trying to do with this puppy that would probably miraculously disappear tomorrow. Give it a week, at most. 

"Yeah— this year has been rough. And I don't even know what year it is!" said Roman, who was putting his slippers from Virgil on. 

“I love you guys,” said Virgil, so casually it would have shaken the room in any situation where Patton and Remus weren’t occupied with lovingly staring down an adorable puppy and the rest of them weren’t occupied with watching them. 

“I love you too!” replied Roman, which was then followed by an 

“And I as well” from Logan, and a “Not me” from Janus himself, and “Same” chorusing from Patton and Remus, still occupied with the puppy. 

“You should really do something with that puppy, though,” Janus said at Patton. “Before he ruins anything.”

“You think an angel with this face would destroy?” Patton asked with a coo, holding up the puppy for Janus to see. 

“It is Remus’ creation, so, yes,” Janus said. 

“That’s fair,” replied Remus, right as the puppy jumped out of Patton’s arms and bounded over to the tree (scarily, as Virgil would say). 

“I’ll go put him in my room,” the dad side said before any disaster could strike, scooping the puppy in his arms and sinking out, returning soon after. “Should we frost cookies then?” he asked, smiling at the group with a—not signature, because this one was real—grin. 

“Oh no,” said Logan and Virgil simultaneously. 

“Oh yes,” the twins chimed together. 

So with a trip to the kitchen, as well as many creative ways of avoiding the newly-hanged mistletoe, the sides frosted their Christmas cookies. And, well— 

It may not have been as much of a fiasco as Easter, but it wasn’t pretty either.

It’s the Sanders sides. What would you expect?


End file.
